Respectful Parenting

One of the coolest benefits for our family in this journey is the way we've come to parent. Choosing to live in a radically responsive parenting path has blessed us with such depth of trust, joy and, well, respect.

Today we met with Dan's new soccer coach & team for the first time this new season. The coach and his wife are very nice people -- as were the other parents we met. I was reminded, tho, just how different our life is from most people. It's noticeable to me because we're fortunate to spend almost all of our time with other families like ours -- with our tribe, for whom I am unbelievably grateful, by the way. So, when we spend regular time with mainstream families, seeing them week after week, I see much more than just in the casual encounters at the grocery store and the like.

As I look forward to the next several months spent sharing one weeknight and part of every Saturday with the other team families -- all schooled kids -- I know I'll see more instances of the parenting path we didn't choose. I'll embrace the opportunities to reach out to the children in these families and Dan's teammates and to just be who we are even when everyone else does things differently.

I also agreed to volunteer as an assistant coach -- more adventures in the mainstream world! I'm looking forward to it, actually.

The Simpsons Movie

We just saw it today -- and had the best time! It was so funny & clever! Andy laughed like mad -- okay, so we all did. Definitely worth the price. On the way home, we talked about why it was it was a bad for god to *choose* Homer's Dad to speak thru, did that thing really have a thousand eyes, why the carnie set up the *win my truck* scam the way he did. Andy said *it's really sad that Bart didn't know how it felt to get a pat on the back* and I said, "yeah, Homer's never really been the best Dad, but wasn't it cool at the end?" Then, Andy recited for us his vision for the sequel -- a sure sign that he loved this movie enough to want more!

Two best friends

This is why the folks who love both Dan & Scotty have gone to such lengths to have them both at the L&L conference next month!

Andy & Sorscha

This past week, we've had a couple of outings with Crystal & Sorscha. Last week, Andy & I met them at the zoo while Dan had a day at Ironwood Farm. We had a great time. We leisurely saw a few animals, spent time at the playground, Andy played in the water jets for the first time this season -- it was much less busy than it's been since school got out.

On the elaborate marble throne in the Africa exhibit

Yesterday, Andy, Dan & I met Crystal & Sorscha at the Aquarium/Botanic Gardens to catch the Summer Nights concert. We met at 4pm, saw a few things then walked to the nearby McDonalds for a bite and a break. The kids played and had a great time. As we were leaving, Andy asked me if I had his Nintendo DS case. Nope -- I thought he had it. We looked on and under our tables, in both restrooms. No Nintendo case. I was starting to worry - his DS, Pokemon Diamond game, and charger were all in that case. I should have known better. Andy has the best karma on the planet -- probably because he always pays it forward. If Andy finds something, it goes to the lost & found. He once found a $20 bill at a park, and asked every person there if they'd lost a 20. No one said it was theirs! Just amazingly good karma!

So, it really was no surprise when we asked the counter and the girl said, "It was just here under the counter, let me check the office." Of course, she came back with the case, all it's contents intact.

Once we got back to the Gardens, we found a magic show. Andy was called up to be the first assistant!

Andy tied the knots for the magician's version of the 3-rings trick.

Andy & Sorscha (he's gasping, not yawning) watching the magic show.

There was a quick, cooling shower early in the evening -- like what we'd expected on Monday. The music was good, the magic fun, and Gary joined us about halfway thru. Dan was thrilled. All day long, he'd been asking when Dad would join us, an whether we'd come next week if Dad had to miss this one. I'm so glad Gary could make it, since last night was the last magic show of the season.

of monsoons & restrooms

This past Monday, the monsoon finally arrived at our tribe's weekly parkday. Sure, we've all been waiting for it, begging for it, but we didn't really want it like this!
In the middle of a humid afternoon, we heard the thunder. Being Albuquerque desert dwellers we figured it would be a passing shower, just enough to cool everything off. We gather under a couple of big trees that usually would make enough cover for a passing shower. Crystal, Sorscha & Andy were smart -- they headed right out to Crystal's mini-van for shelter. Jenny was somewhere else nearer the building, tho Eliza was still with us. The rest of us thought we'd just wait it out while the kids played. In Albuquerque, we know better than expect that our kids will come in out of the rain!

There we were -- four Moms and several kids. Moms hiding under the tree, some kids hiding under a picnic table, some running in the rain. The first several minutes were okay -- cool steady rain. We were still sure it would pass. Then it started raining horizontally, and hard. Beth suggested it might be time to head for the only place with a roof, the restrooms. As we ran to the restrooms - across a long stretch of grass thru what felt like hail -- the rain got stronger. So, there we were -- five Moms & eight kids crammed into the bathroom. I had left my bag -- with the camera and a nintendo DS inside -- and two books in the tunnel slide, hoping for shelter from from the rain. I'd done this when I expected a quick shower. During a quick break in the rain (not stopped, just lighter) I ran and got my stuff. The bag was soaked, the books a bit soggy, but the camera and DS were dry!

Now I could take a few pictures. I didn't get anything with everyone in the bathroom, but here are a few pics:

Dan, soaked in the rain, Scotty climbing the wall - literally!

The hand dryer was popular to warm up between trips out into the rain

A picture of Beth & Scotty that was just too beautiful not to post!

Dan's solo adventure

Dan on Independence Day

Yesterday, I had to accept that our planned trip to the Live & Learn Conference '07 was just beyond our means. I cancelled our reservations and told the boys. They were somewhat disappointed, but took the news well enough. Andy was okay, since altho he'll miss a few friends, Sorscha isn't going either, so she'll still be in town that week.

When Jenny arrived at group, she told me she had a proposal for me. She and Beth had a plan, hatched after they read a post I made at the L&L yahoo group. Would we let Dan fly to NC with Kevin, stay at the conference with Jenny's family (they already had an extra bed) and fly back home with Kevin? Wow! So, throughout the next couple of hours, I talked to Andy to see if he'd be okay with Dan going while he stayed home (he is very okay with this), to Gary to see that he was okay with it (he's very happy for Dan) and finally with Dan. Both Jenny & Beth had said they wouldn't be at all surprised if Dan said no. I was pretty sure he'd say yes, because Dan is always up for an adventure, and he'd do just about anything to spend time with Scotty.

What most touches me isn't their generous offer, or the way it's come together -- it's that all this was proposed to meet the needs of a child! As Jenny pointed out, Dan really is Scotty's rock. We all knew that upon hearing Dan wouldn't be at the L&L Scotty would insist he didn't want to go. We all grew up in a time when a child's distress at making a family trip, for any reason --much less 'just' that he'd miss his best buddy -- would not even have been considered by the adults involved. Kids were just expected to suck it up and do what their parents told them to do. That we belong to a community, a tribe, whose adults have such empathy for our children that we'd all go to these lengths for one child's emotional comfort, is more precious to me than I can say.

So, we've begun making arrangements for Dan's first solo adventure. I cannot believe my baby is big enough for this rite of passage! He's my tiny man, my sweet puddin' -- how can he be big enough to be willing to fly to the conference without his parents?! Jenny shared that Beth had wondered if it was asking too much of me. Asking a Mom to let her 6yo child be gone for a week! Thousands of miles away! I laughed and answered that I've been letting 6yo boys go away on vacation since the first time I had a 6yo boy!

Then, I realized. This really is a rite of passage for Dan. Will was 6 the first time I drove away from him at summer camp. He stayed 2 weeks that summer -- and for every summer until he was 13. The year he was 13, he flew off to spend the summer with his grandparents in Hawaii; at 14, he flew as an adult (no airline escort) to BWI (by then we lived here in New Mexico), caught a ride with friends to a month of camp, then spent a week or two with his childhood best friend's family in Northern VA. Andy took his first trip without us to Hawaii at 5 -- grandpa flew here, took Andy home with him to spend 5 wks, and grandma flew home with him. He made the same trip at 6, and another, without either grandparent -- flying unaccompanied -- at 9.

So, it must be Dan's turn to have his first adventure away from Mom & Dad. Does this mean I'm now dispensable? Is it a first step, another beginning of the end of his dependence on me, on us? I suppose really, tho it's not even a beginning for Dan -- just another step in his independence.

Dan is clearly ready - the first thing he said to Gary when we picked him up from work was "I'm going to Conference!" I'm sure I'll be ready by the time he flies away.

More importantly, tho, this whole adventure is the evidence of how very deeply our children are loved in this tribe we belong to. Three sets of parents have come together to make it possible for two boys who are the best of friends -- in many ways two halves of a whole -- to have a summer adventure together, for the simple reason that we recognize their need for each other, and that our efforts will bring joy to those two little boys we all love.

What a happy bunch!

We spent a wonderful day at the Millers' on the 4th. The weather which had been insufferably hot for days, was cool, and breezy by late afternoon, with a light rain at nightfall. We'd come dressed for heat and by fireworks time were borrowing sweatshirts and wrapped in blankets!

I had tried a photobucket album here, but couldn't get it to work, so I had to load pix one by one.

Gary on the trampoline with Spencer, Cipriano & Sorscha. Dan, sporting his new hair color. I colored it for him the day before -- from the bleached stripes on brown to a licorice black. It takes some getting used to!

Late in the day, Chris set up Scotty's steam engine. Here's Scotty trying to light a match using the grindstone run by his steam engine.

The best thing about having a tribal gathering on a holiday is the abundance of Daddys. Pablo, Chris and & Gary were right there in the engine action.

Eliza and Pablo playing with toy animals.

Spencer, Andy & Dan watching a neighboring fireworks display from the back wall.

Dan, Eliza & Scotty enjoying the s'mores mini-pizzas Sorscha found for the party.

Scotty with sprinklers. We all brought some smaller backyard fireworks, and also watched some fireworks -- two city displays and some big works (not really city-legal, but might pretty) being fired off by neighbors out on the mesa.

Andy & Sorscha enjoying lunch on the trampoline.

Eliza used the fishtank an a brush to decorate the flagstone with paintings. Here she's putting the finishing touches on a car.

.... and on an elephant!

Jenny & Eliza

Gary & Dave spent some time fiddling with our computer -- which we brought over for Dave's help with loading World of Warcraft. We're still trying to find the drive space for WOW, but in the meantime our computer runs much faster after Dave's help.

We had a really wonderful day -- lots of conversation, happy kids running around, great weather, fireworks, and great time spent with friends. Everyone brought something for the grill, giving us more food than we could eat -- at the end of the night I discovered the corn on the cob I'd brought at Jenny's suggestion. I'd completely forgotten to throw it on the grill --sorry Jen! It's been delicious over the past few days!

Thanks, Crystal & Dave & Sorscha, for hosting us all!

Two such happy boys

Yesterday, we packed up a picnic, and headed out to our favorite park, with all manner of wheels. Andy spent about two hours on his roller blades, with short breaks on the blanket. Dan spent about half the time on his bike, switching to his blades to roll off with Andy. We've been coming to Mariposa park for about 8 years now. It was walking distance from our last house, so we were there almost every day since Andy was 3, and before Dan was born. Now, it's about 7 miles from our new home, and tho we have two neighborhood parks, neither one is as well-suited to our activities as Mariposa, so at least once a week -- often two or three times -- we spend a few hours there. Now that I'm home weekends, it's a regular destination for the four of us most weekends. The park has lots of parking, lots of sidewalks, a concrete basketball court --all essential for blading and biking -- shade, tables, and a playground.

With summer vacation on now, we find we're more often sharing the park with others. I'll admit we like to have it to ourselves -- I enjoy the quiet, and the boys enjoy the free access to the courts and sidewalks. One thing I've noticed is how often I see kids crying when it's time to go home, or unhappy with the outing in some way, usually to do with being overly controlled by their parent/s, or not getting enough help or involvement from their parents.

Noticing that caused me to reflect on what happy children our boys are. What a joyous and free life we enjoy. They are good friends and wonderful companions to each other. Sure, they bicker sometimes, and they're very different people at their core, but they really do look out for and think of each other. I attribute this to at least two things we've managed to give them -- security and autonomy. Our boys know we love not only them, but each other, and that our love for them, our desire to see them happy and joy-filled, is the outgrowth of that love. They also know that respecting their autonomy is my most deeply-held goal. It's not our place to dictate to them what their life should be. Rather it is our honor to watch them grow, to support in them the spark of whatever they love to do, to explore their path with them, led by their passions. We know they are already complete -- and magnificent -- individuals, capable of amazing, wondrous feats, and inherently joy-filled.

These are concepts I grew up without, so I don't know from my own experience how it feels to have security and autonomy, but I can see in our children, what a gift it is, and I'm so happy -- and at times surprised, challenged and humbled -- to be able to give this to them. I'm so very grateful for this life we live, together. For the love and joy and wonder in our lives every day.


Andy posed for this picture -- and for several other funny ones, with his hands over his eyes and his tongue sticking out -- and I just can't believe this boy of mine who looks - and is -- so self-assured, bright, loving, and thoughtful.

I sneaked this picture of Dan, but he didn't protest. How is it that my baby is so big? Look at those dancing eyes and that smile. In this shot, he had just skated over to us and was dropping onto the blanket to be 'in the middle' of a hug. His insistence on being in the middle of everything reminds me that it was his arrival that made our family 'done.'

When we arrived the boys on the fire engine were using the basketball court. Within a few minutes, Andy had invited them to chase him on his blades, meaning no one had to surrender the play space.

Explora

This past Weds, while Dan spent a day at Ironwood Farm with Scotty, Andy & I met Crystal & Sorscha at Explora. Altho Sorscha had been to some homeschool science classes at Explora, she'd never roamed the museum. Never even seen the living room-sized elevator -- complete with the living room furniture! Andy was thrilled to be able to show her around one of his favorite places.
Crystal at Bernoulli's Ball -- feeling the wind in her hair.

Andy feeling the wind -- he'd hoped it would straighten his hair. No luck there, it's curly forever now!

One happy girl, flying the plane at Explora.

At the outside playground at Explora, Andy shows off his treadmill technique with the roller-bar slide. He talked Sorscha into taking a run, too.

We had a great day, seeing old -- and new -- exhibits, running around with Sorscha and just hanging out with Crystal.

Fun with straws!

Crystal brought a bunch of colorful bendy straws to the park this week. I think to go with the ice cream cups she also brought. By the end of the day, she still had almost a dozen ice cream cups left -- who says kids with food choices will eat all the junk they can find? The straws, however, were a big hit.

Dan made a very long straw, which he and Scotty took turns with. They're both sporting new haircuts. Okay, so Dan's was just a small trim, altho a hair color change looms on the horizon.

Here's Scotty trying the straw and Dan busting me for getting Scotty's picture!

Dan's straw creation in its non-use setting.Eliza managed to stuff 9 straws in her powerade bottle. One was below the surface, so you could really only drink from 8 at the same time.
Here's Scotty demonstrating that it is possible to drink from all 8 of the straws.On the playset. I'm not sure what they're doing with the straw -- maybe a sand conduit?

Andy's 11th birthday

How is it possible that Andy is 11? I remember him as a newborn -- then we called him Andrew (and I swore I always would). That was before it was obvious that he's Andy. He's not the quiet child I always pictured an Andrew would be. He's large as life, outgoing, passionate -- entirely his own person.

For his birthday, the grandparents treated him to a new pair of rollerblades and helmet. He's been on his new blades just about every day since we got them, about two weeks ago, and having a great time!
We had his party at Peter Piper's Pizza, with a few close friends this past Friday. Here he's with Sorscha, showing off the Pokemon cards he received from Spencer.

Opening the gift card from Judson. Sorsha's gift was also a gift card from Target. He combined the two cards -- with a few dollars from Will -- and bought a remote controlled plane, which he really enjoys flying.

Late in the party, each boy claimed an external window seat. My guess is that was the only shade they could find on the sunny, 90 degree weather we had last Friday.

Watching Spongebob on the TV screens

still life

Of course, most of these shots aren't still at all, but taken over the past few weeks of our busy days.
The day we got Andy's new rollerblades, the wind was blowing at about 40mph, with gusts to 60mph. Still, we had to go to the park to try out the new blades. It's even more windy at that particular park than anywhere else on the planet most days. The boys found a discarded grocery bag, and used it as a sail. Before that, they'd found that if they stood on blades with the wind to their backs, that alone would move them a little. The bag-sail, tho, made a much better windcraft!

Dan, looking so cute during one of his visits to the table between skate laps.

Andy showing off his new blades. They were a birthday gift from Grandpa & Grandma, and he just loves his new skates!

We've been meeting Susan & Spencer for the Home Depot monthly kids workshop the past few months. This time, the project was a bi-plane -- more complicated than the past couple of projects, I think. Here Susan is helping Spencer with his plane.

At the zoo last week, the kids spotted a choke-collar chain wrapped around a tree branch. After trying to jump to it themselves, they found a chair and drafted Crystal to reach for it. She couldn't quite reach it either, so they were left to figure it out themselves. I don't know how they did it, but ultimately they got that choke chain down, and Sorscha claimed it. Spencer did make off with a cocoon that day, and took it home to watch it open.

You have to go to school....

Over the weekend, we were at the park, and the boys went off by themselves to play for a while. When they came back to the blanket, Andy asked me if you had to go to high school to go to college (he's recently decided he wants to go to college). I told him no, that I know of many homeschooled kids who have either finished or are enrolled in college. Why did he ask?

They ran into a woman at the park, and like virtually all adults, she asked them where they go to school, what grade, something like that. Andy said "we don't go to school."

"Oh, you're homeschooled."

"No. We don't do school at all."

"But you have to go to school. You can't go to college without high school, and you have to go to middle school to get into high school, and you have to go to elementary school to get into middle school. If your parents don't send you to school, they could get in trouble and even be arrested."
I said he could have saved himself -- and her -- all that worry if he'd just said, "yeah, we homeschool" and she'd probably have dropped it there.

When I told this story to the tribe today, Susan said the next logical step in that woman's story was "I mean, you have to go to preschool to get into elementary, and before that, Mommy has to listen to Bach when she's pregnant, or you'll never get anywhere!"

In the time that woman at the park spent trying to convince the boys they had to go to school, she could have had a real conversation with them. I guess they didn't teach those conversation skills in her college studies.....

spelling happens

Andy has never taken a spelling test in his life, never been drilled on spelling words, and seldom asks me how to spell any word. He began reading at somewhere between 8 & 9 -- before that, he could read a word or two at a time, street signs, cartoon captions, that kind of thing. But during his 9th year, he took off. Along the way, he's asked me to print up math worksheets so he could 'practice' his math skills, insisting I grade them for him. But it's been probably a year or more since he asked for anything schooly.

A couple of days ago, while waiting for Gary to finish up at work, Andy asked me to give him some words to spell. He wanted to see -- and show me -- that he could spell. I threw him the odd words, those that break the 'rules' figuring that if he can spell and remember those, the ones that do spell 'right' will come easy for him. I alternated between words I figured he could get and those that would be a challenge. Hey, if I'd thrown him all easy words he'd have busted me anyway, so why not mix it up a bit?

He spelled most of them right -- building, either, another, neighbor and several others we've both forgotten now. I was really impressed -- even better, he was very pleased with himself. Not surprised, given how much he reads lately. Tonight, driving home, he asked me for more words. I threw him some harder ones -- engine, boulevard, avenue, albuquerque, however, thought, tongue -- again he got many of the less weird ones right. In all cases, he came really close, really thinking thru the words, sounding them out.

How many schooled kids would make a game of spelling words -- on summer vacation at that! I remember feeling like I didn't want to have to think about anything but reading books I chose all summer long. We've all heard the stereotype of kids who say "it's the weekend, don't make me think" -- our kids never have a day when they actively choose not to think. Then again, they don't have any days where thinking is imposed on them by adults.

Coolest birthday party ever

On Saturday, we spent the day (and well into the night) at Ironwood Farm for Scotty's 7th birthday party. The theme was mythbusters, and it was definitely the coolest kids party ever! See the video Kevin made here. (hope that works!)

The birthday cake

The birthday boy, crowded around the ninja walking on water experiment, which required a quantity of cornstarch that came in a box roughly the size of a carton of copier paper. I just love this picture of Scotty - who for the entire day was the unflappable birthday boy!
Scotty & Dan with the homemade ballistics gel. Several shots were fired into the gel with a pellet gun. All of which actually went thru the gel, into the board behind it -- so when you try this one at home, always have something to actually catch the projectile. Don't count on the ballistics gel to do it for you.

Emma, with cornstartch ninja water dripping from her hands. She was also standing in the water, but I didn't get a picture of her feet.

Eliza with wormy-worm, who is cleverly disguised as a big clump of cornstarch water. That water was the coolest thing -- it looks like it would be sticky and wet, but when you touch it, you find it's dry, and just brushes off. Even the clumps in Dan's hair just crumbled when I touched them. Just really, really strange. Two best buddies at the party. They're like little twins, except for Dan's blond stripes, which save me & Jenny the embarrassment of mistaking someone else's child for our own!

Andy, with his pants rolled up, walking on the water.

Chris, stuffing a potato into the cannon. In the way cool category, I have to mention Scotty's granddad, Papa, who built the cannon -- in a day! - for the party. They used an acetylene torch to light it. The cows stood at the far end of the field -- literally acres away -- and watched potatoes land in the field, looking over at us like they were saying 'be afraid, be very afraid' to each other.

Beth, rinsing off Andy's hands after the cornstarch experiment. This picture just sums up how very much the people in our tribe have come to mean to us all. Andy is just crazy about Beth, who in addition to the cleaning ritual assistance, later listened to Andy as he explained every pokemon in his pokemon Diamond game. I have learned so much from observing my friends with my children, the patience they have, the compassion they share. What continually amazes me, tho, is the genuine love I feel these women and men pouring into my children's lives. We belong to a community of people whose love for each other, and our love for them, defies words and description -- it can only be felt, soaked in, and treasured.

Dan, with Scotty by his side. I have this feeling that we'll be watching Dan & Scotty grow into the kind of lifelong friends we read about in novels, truly two halves of a whole. Someday, when Scotty does invent the next amazing engine or device to make life more amazing, Dan will be his test-driver/pilot and biggest champion in the excitement.

Scotty & Dan watching the smokeless black powder fire started by Papa. Moments later, he lit a line of the faster burning powder -- it went too fast and big for me to even catch a shot, but I think it's part of Kevin's video.

Emma, late in the evening, by the bonfire. In her hands is a package of the snappers Jenny got for the party. I'm sure the front yard is littered with both remnants and unpopped snappers.
Andy threw his snappers into the fire, and danced as they exploded.

Yeah, the party went well into the night We finally dragged our sleepy children, and our sleepy selves, home sometime around midnight.

Truly, a fun time was had by all!